KKH *RIA*Lund

Something expected took me by surprise, is all.

No doubt, I knew I wasn’t getting in, but the resonance of the rejection email still stings.

To use the words from the heroes on Catastrophe, my academic experience, since the beginning, has played out like your generic, conventional dumpster fire

Nothing seems to go right. Today, post one/midst another masters degree, I do and do not want more school. No all around to losing a paycheck, to awful group assignments, being around discussions I don’t want to rehash and with peers who won’t hear one another, and most of all, who aren’t talking about the same types of things that interest me. Giant yes to wanting the time, space, mentorship, group influencing in order to make stuff and develop into the professional place I want to be.

“If you are gracious, you have won the game.”  —Stevie Nicks

I’m not intending to gripe! I don’t mean this in a poor me way, just as in self-assessment, reality checks are important and I’m assessing right now way. The way hasn’t been cohesive, but so much ever is. I look back on my choices more and more and am frustrated as I see a big misuse of time and very misdirected energy. I remember the endless angst and running around on fruitless endeavors  within poorly developed/planned/ill-fitting academic programs.

Maybe Id like to find/start an arts space-in Boston or a new city?

These illustrators always get me excited, and I love that feeling-not competition, but more “I can do that, I love what they do, I’d like to know them,” train of thoughts.

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Wrestling with actual or perceived delusions of grandeur will always be my biggest albatross: why do I think and feel I can do x, get accepted to y, be z. Rejection teaches you so much, and looking back on my list of rejections, it’s good learning.

With today’s rejection, I think I’ve been right all along. That belief that my wants and aspirations are too pie in the sky for what I’m actually capable. Again, I see that as good thing to know-we aren’t always going to be great at what we’d like to be, and self-awareness of your aptitude and capacity is hard to learn but effective knowledge.


Reads & References

XO,

H